My Hope is in Him

“He was better to me than all my hopes;
He was better than all my fears;
He made a bridge of my broken works,
And a rainbow of my tears.

“The billows that guarded my sea-girt path,
But carried my Lord on their crest;
When I dwell on the days of my wilderness march
I can lean on His love for the rest.

“He emptied my hands of my treasured store,
And His covenant love revealed,
There was not a wound in my aching heart,
But the balm of His breath hath healed.
Oh, tender and true was the chastening sore,
In wisdom, that taught and tried,
Till the soul that He sought was trusting in Him,
And nothing on earth beside.

“He guided by paths that I could not see,
By ways that I have not known;
The crooked was straight, and the rough was plain
As I followed the Lord alone.
I praise Him still for the pleasant palms,
And the water-springs by the way,
For the glowing pillar of flame by night,
And the sheltering cloud by day.

“Never a watch on the dreariest halt,
But some promise of love endears;
I read from the past, that my future shall be
Far better than all my fears.
Like the golden pot, of the wilderness bread,
Laid up with the blossoming rod,
All safe in the ark, with the law of the Lord,
Is the, covenant care of my God.”

---

Vulnerability: The key to connection.

 “To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.” Brené Brown

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

I’m no longer much of a blogger. I’ve had some kind of writing block for several years and I”m just now coming out of whatever that fog was all about. I think it had a lot to do with the grief associated with the death of my Brother and handling his estate, the prospect of tearing down my childhood home and losing my long time job. Well that and no longer having an emotional or ideological connection to much of my evangelical community. Sadly I think that last line is the real factor in my absence here. I went through so much upheaval in such a short amount of time and I desperately needed a spiritual family to lean on for comfort and support. I haven’t been able to  find that anchor or connection among the evangelicals I know or used to worship with and that’s been really devastating to me. I love people from all walks of life and I yearn to connect and grow and share Christ with them but it seems like division has hardened the hearts of so many supposed followers of Christ where I live, it’s disheartening and I have really struggled trying to understand it all and figure out how to have some kind of community connection.

 

In my dismay I have had to ask myself and God a lot of hard questions and for the time being I’m not attending Church. After the initial grief wore off I actually feel somewhat liberated. Jesus has not changed but I feel like my faith has grown even as he removed so much dead wood out of my path. His anchor still holds, even if sometimes I’m reeling from this trip we are on together. I’m really hoping to start writing again and to clean up this little blog and start some kind of discussion or at least a coherent thought process for myself here. One thing that I have learned is that one way to alleviate my own misery or confusion is to try to connect and somehow help other people. I’ve been thinking long and hard and praying about the one thing I know helps me to understand and empathize with others is expressing my own vulnerabilities and struggles. Webster’s says that Vulnerability is  defined as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Yikes. This is hard, heady stuff but I think it’s the answer to clearing my own head and hopefully getting into the heads and hearts of other people….just being real and talking about things that make me uncomfortable helps me process things and hopefully it will resonate with someone else out there struggling with similar issues.

I”m on a bit of a quest so bear with me dear reader (if anyone is actually still here). I’m going to start talking about the very things I struggle with and the things I pester God about on a regular basis. Being old and single and dealing with aging, questions about how to handle loneliness, sex and celibacy, lack of faith, depression, mental illness and all the things I felt too taboo to discuss with other people in my previous church experiences are going to be on the table here now.  Things in my own life that aren’t sanitized or easy to open up about. I know I”m not the only Christian who has these questions and struggles with perfection or comparison and things like longing, frustration or sadness so I”m going to try to be brave and actually go there. I’m not totally sure where I”m headed but I’m going to ask lots of questions and humbly ask that you bear with me kindly. I’m working my way through years of abuse and my experience with being raped at 21 as well. It’s been a very hard road and I’m so thankful that Jesus has seen me through the worst of memories but I think sharing those experiences, though terrifying will help me to let go and also possibly help someone else dealing with guilt or shame or just misunderstanding or past hurts. So much of what constitutes “Christian” counseling is just more shame piled on top of more shame. I have been a victim of that branch of so called counseling and it’s hurtful and horrible…evil even in some circumstances and the only help I can offer is to discuss my own experiences here and pray that God uses them to encourage or strengthen someone else who is hurting. That’s the plan for the time being, I hope to have something useful to say that’s helpful to someone in the very near future. In the meantime pray for me if you think of it. Just starting to think about writing about difficult topics makes me a little bit nervous.

Hope for the journey…

Photo by daffa rayhan zein on Pexels.com

I desperately needed to read these verses today and I thought they might give someone else facing difficulties much needed hope or encouragement.  If we focus on our problems instead of our hope in Christ life can quickly overwhelm us. I can never have enough reminders of God’s everlasting love and goodness to me. Even on my good days I’m often weak and easily distracted by life’s tribulations and trials. I default to fear and anxiety at the first sign of trouble more than I want to admit. Worry and panic have been my companions since childhood and I’m having a hard time letting go of them.  God is teaching me to trust Him more each day and for that I”m forever grateful…even though some times I struggle desperately with His methods and my emotional reactions. He never tires even when I’m worn out and weary and He’s forever faithful, His promises to His children are eternal and we can rest in them, no matter what our circumstances.

Dear reader hold fast…He’s our solid rock no matter the severity of the storm ❤

• And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
• “Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God” (PSA 146:5)
• “the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love” (PSA 147:11).
• “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (PSA 40:31).
• “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (ROM 15:13).
• “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him” (PSA 62:5).
• “May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your word” (PSA 119:74).
• “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God (PSA 42:5)
• “I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope” (PSA 130:5).
• “O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption” (PSA 130:7).
• “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (PROV 13:12).
• “There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off” (PROV 23:18).
• “Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you” (ZECH 9:12).
• “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (JER 29:11).
• “through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Rom 5:2-4).
• “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” (ROM 5:5).
• “in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 2But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (ROM 8:24-25).
• “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (ROM 12:12).
• “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope” (ROM 15:4).
• “To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory” (COL 1:27)
• “a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time” (TIT 1:2)
• “Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 1God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged” (HEB 6:17-18).
• “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 2where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek” (Heb 6:17-19-20).
• “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful” (HEB 10:23).
• “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (HEB 11:1).

Things I couldn’t say.

How do you start blogging again after so long an absence? I really wondered if I would ever have anything to say again. I had so many things I wanted to write about but for some reason when I sat down to type my thoughts were such a jumble, nothing made much sense to me or was worth sharing. A few weeks ago while driving in my car talking to the Lord I suddenly had one of those aha! moments. No light bulb appeared magically above my head but I was overwhelmed with the realization that even though it was never a problem for me to share about my health issues and open up about the emotions associated with living life chronically ill, my mental health was another matter entirely.

Several years ago when I was still posting here I slowly stopped writing and started sharing snippets and thoughts from devotionals or books I was reading. When I look back at this blog initially it was a safe place to collect my thoughts, work through theological ideas and learn and gain strength and encouragement from other bloggers. It’s obvious to me now that I was in the process of shutting down long before I stopped posting entirely. It’s taken me a few years to sort through what exactly happened, the mistakes I have made and to move forward with honesty, courage and repentance where necessary and to face the truth of my limitations with grace. It’s sometimes hard admitting your mistakes but it’s often harder to really leave them at the cross and go forward with some kind of mercy towards yourself. If that sounds radical or heretical it’s just how it is with mental illness, sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Shame helps nothing and it’s been a wrestling match trying to handle my issues without heaping more hot coals on my own head.   It’s been an intense journey and it’s often seemed like one trial after another.

I’m happy to say that having survived these tests my faith is not only intact, it’s stronger than ever. For the first time as a Christian I feel real, lasting joy regardless of my circumstances. Like the Apostle Paul, or Joseph and so many saints before me I can say that the joy of the Lord has sustained me, regardless of prison, shipwreck or palace. I’m at a place beyond simple gratitude and thankfulness for my salvation, I’m at a renewed place of hope and real, lasting peace knowing that no matter what, I can trust in and lean on Christ.  It’s often tough trying not to confuse our earthly parental relationships with our relationship to our heavenly Father, even more so for a child of abuse.  My struggles with anxiety and CPTSD have only strengthened and confirmed my relationship and place in God’s kingdom and that’s led to a newfound joy and strength in my life and I need to share that with people. Whatever it took to get me here was worth every pain, frustration or fear and I’m so thankful for the opportunity to once again share those experiences with other people.

Hopefully in the next few weeks I can try to work through what happened, how I coped successfully and often unsuccessfully and through my thoughts help encourage someone else struggling with some of the same issues I faced. After all that’s the point isn’t it? As Christians we just keep putting one foot in front of the other following Jesus and in that process we find that when we look back there are thankfully other people coming up the road who need our help somehow. I hope this blog and it’s sort of rebirth can be that help for someone, and honor our Lord in the process.

As I was in the process of posting this I came across this nugget of wisdom from J. R. Miller. If you are struggling today with shame, failure or weakness take heart, this will hopefully encourage you.

“God is the God of those who fail. Not that He loves those who stumble and fall, better than those who walk erect without stumbling; but He helps them more. The weak believers get more of His grace–than those who are strong believers. There is a special divine promise, which says, “My divine power is made perfect in weakness.” When we are conscious of our own insufficiency, then we are ready to receive of the divine sufficiency. Thus our very weakness is an element of strength. Our weakness is an empty cup–which God fills with His own strength.” J. R. Miller, “The Beatitude for the Unsuccessful” 1892)

 

“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

 

 

The Sensitive Chord

Music from Broken Chords

This is a repost of an article I originally shared in 2011. I came across it today and it had, like so many stories about conversions and testimonies all new meaning. I think it’s such an amazing story of obedience in the hardest of times, and how even though our bodies die, through the shed blood of Christ we not only live on….the seeds we plant keep bringing new life. Like my answer to a comment from a friend below “The Russian doctor is still bearing fruit”. May our lives do the same.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions…

View original post 3,648 more words

His Banner Over Me

I like hiking solo. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of people, but being alone outside gives me peace and renewed energy after working long hours at my desk. There is a sense of smallness sometimes being alone in the wilderness, but I realize I am never alone. It’s easy to be consumed by fear and worry that something bad will happen to me but knowing that Christ loves me and cares for me gives me strength to face my fears no matter where I am. My friend Sam Powell writes so beautifully about the gracious love of Christ in this post from his blog : My only comfort

Reading it this morning gives me a renewed sense of hope, a gentle reminder that God’s love isn’t something I can earn or mess up. The love of Christ surrounds his children, I don’t know about you but I can’t meditate on that enough. His yoke is easy, His burden is light. That’s enough to carry me to my eternal home no matter how tough the journey .

My Only Comfort

He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. (Sol 2:4 KJV)

Here’s an astounding thought. God is the creator and sustainer of the universe. We are all his workmanship, and he can do with us as he pleases. He has every right to command, to exact obedience and even to kill and destroy. He is a just God. He is a holy God. He cannot dwell with sin. He hates the wicked with eternal, unquenchable fire. And we are all sinners.

But it is God’s will to be merciful. He longs to restore fellowship with his people. But in order for God to restore relationship with His people, his people must put away their evil deeds and obey. They must be cleansed from their sins. God has no pleasure in the death of the wicked and he calls all of us to obey, to…

View original post 1,177 more words

TRUE GREATNESS

Solitude Sweetened

by James Meikle, 1730-1799

Many are reckoned great by the world, and are often envied by their inferiors, who are yet ignorant of what renders man truly great. A courtier, as Ahithophel, a prince, as Haman, and a king, as Belshazzar, may be vile and sordid people; for often in the highest stations the basest of men are set up. Coaches and chariots; horses and hounds; many servants, and a numerous retinue; a sumptuous table, and fine apparel; high titles, and honorary posts; great friends, and noble blood; rich connections, and immense wealth—do not constitute true greatness. It is not nobility, or popularity, or beauty, or talent—that will render one great. It is not strength of body, natural courage, liberal education, bright parts, or sparkling genius—that can make a truly great man. Hence this seeming contradiction, yet sterling truth, Great men are not always great.

Are there, then, great men any where to be found? Yes, though they attract not much notice or regard of men. The holy, humble, self-denied soul, is truly great. He who lives above the things of time, and has his meditation on God, and the things of the invisible world. He who is pleased with a little of the good things of this world—can forgive enemies—pass by affronts—forget injuries—repay hatred with love—rejoice in tribulation—triumph in faith—have rule over his own spirit—mourn for the sins of the times—weep over his lack holiness—tremble at God’s threatenings—depend on the promises—bewail his omissions—repent daily for his sin—wrestle in prayer, and prevail with God, and, Enoch-like, have his conversation in heaven, and walk with God—this is he who is truly great in the eye of angels, in the eye of God!

The light

“Then spake Jesus again unto them,saying,I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness,but shall have the light of life”.
John 8:12

Be still, sad soul! lift thou no passionate cry, But spread the desert of thy being bare To the full searching of the All-seeing eye; Wait! and through dark misgiving, black despair, God will come down in pity, and fill the dry Dead place with light, and life, and vernal air. –J. C. Shairp

Nobility by Alice Cary

True worth is in being, not seeming,-
In doing, each day that goes by,
Some little good-not in dreaming
Of great things to do by and by.
For whatever men say in their blindness,
And spite of the fancies of youth,
There’s nothing so kingly as kindness,
And nothing so royal as truth.

We get back our meet as we measure-
We cannot do wrong and feel right,
Nor can we give pain and gain pleasure,
For justice avenges each slight.
The air for the wing of the sparrow,
The bush for the robin and wren,
But always the path that is narrow
And straight, for the children of men.

‘Tis not in the pages of story
The heart of its ills to begulie,
Though he who makes courtship to glory
Gives all that he hath for her smile.
For when from her heights he has won her,
Alas it is only to prove
That nothing’s so sacred as honor,
And nothing so loyal as love!

We cannot make bargains for blisses,
Nor catch them like fishes in nets;
And sometimes the thing our life misses
Helps more than the thing which it gets.
For good lieth not in pursuing,
Nor gaining of great or small,
But just in the doing, and doing
As we should be done by, is all.

Through envy, through malice, through hating,
Against the world , early and late,
no jot of our courage abating-
Our part is to work and wait.
And slight is the sting of his trouble
Whose winnings are less than his worth;
For he who is honest and noble,
Whatever his fortunes or birth.

Fear not Christian

Christian Quotes and Scriptures About Fear

“Fear is born of Satan, and if we would only take time to think a moment we would see that everything Satan says is founded upon a falsehood.” ~ A. B. Simpson

“Faith, which is trust, and fear are opposite poles. If a man has the one, he can scarcely have the other in vigorous operation. He that has his trust set upon God does not need to dread anything except the weakening or the paralyzing of that trust.” ~ Alexander MacLaren

” If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, ‘Just what I expected,’ if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” ~ Amy Carmichael

“Fear is the response of the human heart when its one thing is threatened.” ~ Augustine

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”  ~ C.S. Lewis

“Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

“God incarnate is the end of fear; and the heart that realizes that He is in the midst… will be quiet in the middle of alarm.” ~ F.B. Meyer

“How strange this fear of death is! We are never frightened at a sunset.” ~ George Macdonald

“Fear of something is at the root of hate for others, and hate within will eventually destroy the hater.” ~ George Washington Carver

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures: he leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul: he leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anoints my head with oil; my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Psalm 23:1-6

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD. Psalm 27:1-6

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22

What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. Psalm 56:3-4

When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. In God will I praise his word: in the LORD will I praise his word. In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me. Psalm 56:9-11

I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a large place. The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me? Psalm 118:5-6

Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it comes. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken. Proverbs 3:25-26

The fear of man brings a snare: but whoso puts his trust in the LORD shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25

Blessed is the man that trusts in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreads out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat comes, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8

Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. Romans 8:15

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It is God that justifies. Romans 8:28-33

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me. Hebrews 13:5-6

Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resists the proud, and gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:5-7